Excuses, Excuses…

Today I attended my first gynecologist appointment since I have been back in Derby. I have waited since January to be seen, and I have been on ‘treatment’ for the past 2 years. When I arrive today I was seen by a student (in her 4th year) who asked for all my details and information on how I felt. I told her everything- inside, out. Finally she asked the question I had been dreading. ‘Do you have any illnesses’? In January I attended the gyno clinic in Canterbury and was dismissed and discharged by the Dr who believed my symptoms were due to Fibromyalgia. This time I didn’t plan to mention it because I believed my last attempt to get help was dismissed because of my existing illnesses. However, I am a useless liar (it comes from being up front about everything!) and I told the lady I would only disclose my existing illnesses if they were not held against me.

After all the questioning I was introduced to a man, who did not have the title Dr, but was simply Mr. He was Mr Daniel Hay, who I don’t care about shaming! The look on his face told me he either didn’t like me or was generally awkward. The student read out all my information and he ‘ummed’ and ‘areed’ and tutted and sighed, made weird expressions,and rolled his eyes. Finally when she got to the final bit, where she said I also had fibro, he suddenly shouted ‘yes, that is what it is’! I looked that lady in the eyes and I know my eyes told her everything I was feeling- I’ve been here before, I thought I could trust you and this department, I’m breaking inside’. Because it was at that moment I knew I had lost the battle. From that moment on he started to speak about how my symptoms were nothing more than fibro, and I had no need to worry. I couldn’t take anymore and broke down crying. It was uncontrollable, I couldn’t stop and at one point I think I may have been wailing. My mother sat next to me and I was willing her to speak up for me! In between sobbing I tried to tell him that I had been told this before and I really wanted a deeper investigation. Every time I tried to explain he just looked confused. He acted like he had no idea about gynecology, and his aim was probably to make me doubt my own self. Finally he asked ‘what do you want me to do about it’? Sorry, but I thought that you were supposed to give me options, solutions…

I asked if I could have a laparoscopy procedure and he asked me why. Again I was puzzled- were we not on the same sheet?! A laparoscopy would look into my pelvic area and is the best way to identify if or what is happening down there. So obviously I responded with that answer, and he almost laughed as he asked ‘why would you want to know what’s going on inside’? I snapped again. I was being patronised and intimidated. I want to know what is happening because I am in pain, and in the future I want children!  He said he didn’t know I was trying for a baby; I responded I wanted to fall pregnant within the next few years, and the next bit was like the icing on the cake- he asked how long I had been in a relationship. I’m not in a relationship, which puzzled him, as he said ‘you’re not going to have a baby for a while then, until you have a boyfriend’. It left me thinking he is probably against single mothers as well! Whatever my reasons he is not there to judge, and I really felt judged right then. 

Then I was asked what I believed was so wrong- Endometriosis is what I’m worried about. I told him my Dr and I had discussed the possibility and that was why I was referred, and that I had all the symptoms and the ONLY definite way to diagnose or rule out is with a laparoscopy. He disagreed and we argued back and forth about why I should have the operation. I argued that it is the only way to know, I want answers, not knowing is ripping me apart, and I don’t want it to get to the stage where they have to take all my reproductive organs! Seems like logic to me but he dismissed it. He said it didn’t matter about a laparoscopy because it wouldn’t change the outcome. He told me to get on with my life! I believe he is wrong- with a laparoscopy they can identify if I have any cysts or scarring tissue that can be safely removed and thus reduce pain and lengthen my available time to have a baby. He said I should just get on with it, again! Another reason I need a diagnosis, if I do have something wrong, is so the disability people can file it. When I said all this he got confused and asked why I was on disability. Again I was embarrassed. After more tooing- and- throughing I said I wanted a laparoscopy, no arguments.

The next tool in his kit was to scare me- so he told me he could accidentally damage my womb, bladder, ovaries, tubes and if it went wrong I would need bits of organs taken away or a blood transfusion.He said if he cuts into me now he will have to keep doing it for years and years until my whole reproductive system is gone!Yes, I know this is all true, but he slapped the paper for referral down and then started listing with great emphasis. He really did not want me to have the operation. My mother stepped in to tell him to stop scare-mongering me; I would be told all this in pre-op and further appointments and I would sign a waiver/ disclaimer form. I was so terrified that I asked for an alternative which I could try before considering laparoscopy. So, I have been prescribed Medroxyprogesterone for 90 days. Ironically he said if this drug helps me then it probably means I do have Endometriosis, and if it doesn’t help, it could still mean I have Endometriosis! So the cherry on the cake is that the only way to know for sure is from laparoscopy. Nevertheless he said I didn’t need to know either way, just get on with it…

Blogger? Me?

This blog started when I finally broke during a consultation with a gynecologist. I’ve broke numerous times in the past, but this time I needed somewhere to scream my experiences and thoughts. I have a diary but I never felt it helped because it wasn’t ‘out there’. I really needed somewhere to shout about the injustices in the world.

I want to write something that other people can relate to. At times I have felt so alone, but I was lucky to find blogs, facebook groups and instagram profiles that offered me answers and comfort for what was going on.

I am a 22 year old BA(Hons) History and Archaeology graduate, and mother to a Lavender Pekin chicken who is tattooed on my forearm! In 2006 I became ill, and since have suffered with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. Insomnia, IBS and Depression all followed suit as symptoms of the syndromes!